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[personal profile] katriane
everything that once was right in my world is now completely upside down.

grades for last semester were posted on thursday.
i called my dad at work in tears.

they asked me "why?" and "how?"
i was supposed to be the smart one.
it makes me sad that it took something like this to make them realize that...
i'm not their happy, talkative little girl any more.
it was a battle every day just to get out of bed.
i won't make it to med school.
i need help.

my lifelong dream is completely shattered. i will never be a doctor. ever.
in the back of my head, i knew it all along. i was just pretending for their sakes.
so much for that.

they wanted me to stay here. indefinitely.
i came thisclose to not returning to bloomington in august.
but - thank god, they're letting me go.
i'm taking the semester off, maybe the entire year... and working.
this will be good. maybe i'll finally get my head straight.

they're going to check up on me all the time... making sure i'm going to my appointments, taking my medication... maybe now we'll find something that actually works.
i'm tired of panic attacks.
i'm tired of depression.
i'm tired of anxiety.
i'm tired of migraines.
i'm tired of insecurity.

i drove to valpo/chesterton/michigan city on friday. it made me feel infinitely better just to be around my friends. erin, scott, russ, danny, and i shared pet stories over lunch/dinner, then we met dave and adria at pizza hut. we hung out for a while, smoked cigarettes while perched on russ's trunk, and watched the other bands. the tribute played last.

i hate goodbyes.

the drive home yesterday was awful. it was raining so i could barely see, and came very close to sliding off the road several times. not good. plus i had to go to four gas stations to find my cigarettes, and NOT ONE of them had bawls. grrr...

i made it home safely, and took the longest, hottest shower ever, and went to bed pretty early (for me at least). it was AWESOME.

this weekend was tough... especially for some people, and i'm sorry for that... if i could change things to make them better, i would...
i will always be here for you (ALL OF YOU), no matter what.

um... i think that's it. if not... too bad. must watch buffy now.

Date: 2002-05-12 07:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thedeviousangel.livejournal.com
I had the same type thing with my grades. I completely failed (my first "F" ever) one of my business courses. I have to haul some serious ass now...need to get my GPA up. I'll never go to grad school. :-(

Date: 2002-05-12 09:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] best-nightmare.livejournal.com
honey, i feel you... that's pretty much where i am now, for different reasons... but i'm not giving up, and you shouldn't either! you WILL find a way, even if it means going to a rather crappy med school, or taking an extra year of courses that you don't need just to pull up your gpa... people do do these things, you know! just NEVER give up!!! there is always a way out! it's just one bad semester... you can retake courses, you can fix things, i have faith in you!

Date: 2002-05-12 09:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] anotherfortune.livejournal.com
if you really want to be a doctor, you will be a doctor.
it's a good idea to take some time off if you're unsure, or if you're slipping. it's not a matter of intelligence, it's a matter of deciding what you really want out of your life. after all, you only get one...you might as well make sure you're making the right choice.

school doesn't make your dreams come true, it is just a tool to get where you want to be.

on that note, i have to go to sleep so i can go to work at 6am...definantly not what i want out of life, but it's a good way to make a nice little savings in order to be able to chase whatever it is i'm chasing (my tail perhaps).

have a wonderful day, night, or whatever it is when you read this.

Date: 2002-05-13 12:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tendertalons.livejournal.com
you always get an A+ in my book, KT*honey...

you should check out exactoknife...

the two of you need to be groupies for The.Evaluation.

& make beautiful.babies i can baby*sit.





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