May. 12th, 2002

katriane: (Default)
everything that once was right in my world is now completely upside down.

grades for last semester were posted on thursday.
i called my dad at work in tears.

they asked me "why?" and "how?"
i was supposed to be the smart one.
it makes me sad that it took something like this to make them realize that...
i'm not their happy, talkative little girl any more.
it was a battle every day just to get out of bed.
i won't make it to med school.
i need help.

my lifelong dream is completely shattered. i will never be a doctor. ever.
in the back of my head, i knew it all along. i was just pretending for their sakes.
so much for that.

they wanted me to stay here. indefinitely.
i came thisclose to not returning to bloomington in august.
but - thank god, they're letting me go.
i'm taking the semester off, maybe the entire year... and working.
this will be good. maybe i'll finally get my head straight.

they're going to check up on me all the time... making sure i'm going to my appointments, taking my medication... maybe now we'll find something that actually works.
i'm tired of panic attacks.
i'm tired of depression.
i'm tired of anxiety.
i'm tired of migraines.
i'm tired of insecurity.

i drove to valpo/chesterton/michigan city on friday. it made me feel infinitely better just to be around my friends. erin, scott, russ, danny, and i shared pet stories over lunch/dinner, then we met dave and adria at pizza hut. we hung out for a while, smoked cigarettes while perched on russ's trunk, and watched the other bands. the tribute played last.

i hate goodbyes.

the drive home yesterday was awful. it was raining so i could barely see, and came very close to sliding off the road several times. not good. plus i had to go to four gas stations to find my cigarettes, and NOT ONE of them had bawls. grrr...

i made it home safely, and took the longest, hottest shower ever, and went to bed pretty early (for me at least). it was AWESOME.

this weekend was tough... especially for some people, and i'm sorry for that... if i could change things to make them better, i would...
i will always be here for you (ALL OF YOU), no matter what.

um... i think that's it. if not... too bad. must watch buffy now.


katriane: (Default)

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